Leadership, Motherhood, and the Decisions That Add Up

The opportunities we take, the ones we decline, and the leadership choices that accumulate over time.

Leadership is often shaped by the decisions no one else sees. The opportunities we take. The ones we decline. The private calculations we make about risk, responsibility, and what people might think.

For many women, especially those raising children while building careers, these decisions carry an extra layer of complexity. The awareness that whatever choice we make may be judged by someone. I was reminded of this recently when I thought back to a decision I made nearly twenty years ago.

When I was seven months pregnant with my daughter, I had the opportunity to travel to Lebanon and Syria with the company I worked for at the time.

I wanted to go. But due to pressure to be safe, I decided not to. This was back in 2006, before the region was in upheaval.

For the next four or so years, I did very little travel. I had my daughter, and then my son in 2008. In 2010, I went on a three-week trip across the Pacific from Fiji to Tahiti. My son was only nine months old at the time. He was not with me.

Copyright: Zbynek Pospisil

Some people reading this might judge that decision. And that is part of the point.

Men travel for work all the time, even when they have young children. Before becoming a parent, travel had been a central part of my life for years. It was part of my identity and also my career.

But once I became a mom, my career felt like it stuttered for a while. For years, I had to say no to opportunities. I could not go to events. I did not stay after work for happy hours. Traveling for client meetings became complicated.

I share this because it matters.

These small, private decisions often shape the arc of a career more than the big visible ones. They influence who gets opportunities, who steps forward, and who steps back for a time.

There are moments in our careers and our lives when we are forced to make decisions. Sometimes it is because physically we cannot do something. Other times it is because we fear being judged, blamed, or facing long-term implications for our choices.

These moments add up.

Many women’s careers are shaped not by one big decision, but by the accumulation of small ones over time.

If you have not heard of the “motherhood penalty,” it is very real in the United States. Nationally, employed mothers were paid 35% less fathers. Mothers are also said to be paid 5-10% less for every child in their family. 

My husband has always been incredibly supportive of my travel. When we got married and decided to have children, I made it clear that travel would continue to be part of my life.

But what also happened is that he continued working full-time. I cut back a few times to navigate childcare, which is incredibly expensive in the United States. Did this affect my career and my pay? At times, I believe it did.

There are two situations, one in particular, where I believe I was passed over for an opportunity. It would have resulted in more pay and more responsibility. I also believe it would have been good for the company.

Recently, I came across research that made me pause and think about how these dynamics may be evolving for the next generation.

One third of Gen Z men agree that a wife should always obey her husband. Only 13 percent of Boomer age men said the same. This study was conducted across 29 countries, not just the United States.

The same research found that when it comes to caring for children, 21 percent of Gen Z men believe it makes them less masculine.

Graphs from Kings College of London Research - March 2026

I find this troubling, especially when you look at the broader context. Forty percent of Gen Z women identify as liberal compared to 28 percent in the early 2000s. This growing mismatch does not bode well for relationships ahead. We are already seeing rising loneliness and a troubling increase in suicide rates among men, which have risen by roughly 30 percent over the past 15 years.

It also raises questions about the support women will need if they choose to have children. Without it, we risk sliding backward on the income gap.

Another detail from the study was equally puzzling to me. Gen Z men report finding women who are successful at work attractive, but at the same time many believe those women should not appear too independent or self-sufficient.

The research also revealed an interesting contrast. People’s personal beliefs are often more liberal than what they believe society expects from them.

In other words, there may be more room for understanding than it sometimes feels like.

There is a lot of sense that needs to be made in the world right now. So where does this leave us?

First, we need more real conversations. Social media and news cycles often shape what people think they should believe, even when their personal views are more nuanced. Curiosity and honest dialogue matter more than ever.

Second, we need to continue building support systems for parents. Leave policies, accessible childcare, and flexible work options create a more level playing field. Without these structures, the burden of negotiation often falls on women, and that is where gaps widen like tiny cracks in your mug. One day that hot coffee will make it break!

Third, we need to see men more clearly. Taking time to understand the pressures many men face as colleagues, partners, and friends creates space for healthier conversations and better mental health.

And finally, we should acknowledge and celebrate the growing number of women who are stepping forward with clarity about their choices and their independence.

Many of the leaders I work with are navigating these questions right now. How do we build companies that allow people to contribute fully at work and still have full lives outside of it?

The answer will not come from one policy or one conversation. It will come from thousands of small leadership decisions made over time. As leaders, we have more influence than we sometimes realize.

The policies we support, the cultures we build, and the conversations we are willing to have inside our companies shape what the next generation experiences at work and at home. Flexible work policies. Support for parents. Honest conversations about ambition, caregiving, and partnership.

These choices may seem small in the moment. But over time, they add up. Just like the career decisions many women have been making for years.

And if we are thoughtful about the environments we build, the next generation of leaders may have to make fewer of those tradeoffs than we did.